<< Gay couples ‘marry’ with approval from society

For most young gay people, nothing is more important than to have their parents present on this most important day of their lives. While very few parents are as liberal as Aditya’s, there are cases when even conservative mothers have come around.

As happened in the case of an Indian lesbian living in the US, who came out to her traditional Gujarati family. After the tears and tantrums came a grudging acceptance. “Finally, her mother told her that if she had to marry a woman, she should at least make sure she was a Gujarati girl. ‘And make sure you send her to me so I can teach her to cook the way our family does’, her mother said. She was also worried by one more question: whose house will the baraat leave from?’’ laughs an activist who knows the girl.

For San Jose residents Arvind Kumar and Ashok Jethanandani too, exchanging vows in Arvind’s brother house in Toronto was the most memorable day of their lives. Arvind, a board member of the California Native Plant Society and Ashok, editor of India Currents magazine, met when they were in their early 30s. “We became roommates and then lovers,’’ says Arvind. Arvind and Ashok were married in a traditional Indian ceremony complete with dhotis and agni. It was Arvind’s mother, who had once adamantly rejected his sexuality, who came up with the idea. “When my family realised that what I had with Ashok was not ‘timepass’, they accepted us in their own way. He is very special to my family.’’

Activists say that the same-sex marriage movement has emerged independent of the other issues in the gay rights movement. Most gay activists in India weren’t really pushing for marriage because they believed that homophobia and HIV were more pressing battles. Ashok Row Kavi is one of the more vociferous opponents of marriage, which he calls an “oppressive heterosexual institution’’. Yet, say activists, it’s a need that can’t be wished away.

Most of the same-sex couples who have had big ceremonies live outside India in more open-minded societies like California. One of the few exceptions is the Goa-based celebrity couple of designer Wendell Rodricks and his French partner Jerome Marrel. Last year they completed 25 years together. In 2003, Wendell and Jerome signed the PACS, a French civil ceremony which though not technically a wedding gives same-sex couples rights like any other couple. “It gave our relationship dignity in the eyes of the French law,’’ says Rodricks. Now, they stand in immigration lines together and name each other as partner on visa forms. “My mother, cousins and close friends were all there to join in the celebration,’’ says Rodricks. “There were no vows or rings or anything. After the document was signed we had a party like any family party.’’

Other gay couples have been less fortunate. “One couple had to eventually be married by a recorded tape which chanted the mantras,’’ says a Mumbai-based software engineer. The Mumbai IT professional in Seattle had to get a white Isckon priest because no other priest was ready to officiate. In Joe Singh’s case too, the Durban priest who presided over the ceremony invited anger from many Hindus in South Africa. Arvind hopes the new generation of gays will get its blessings more easily.

Disclaimer: No names have been changed…